There is something about grocery stores that make me nervous. Part of it is that I am totally clueless in the kitchen and have no idea what those items on the shelves do when mixed together. I love to eat, but my culinary duties are limited to "entertaining" the chef. This means putting on MSNBC and talking about the secret crush I have on Rachel Maddow.
From time to time however I am sent to the store. My specialty is picking up liquor and sundry items. I break out in a sweat when given the task of finding a ripe pepper but I can spot dental floss and scotch from a mile away.
It's the Fourth of July weekend and big surprise we are in Gay U.S.A. Saugatuck, Michigan. For those of you not familiar with this beautiful city, picture Provincetown, only with a much nicer beach. Anthony and I have a home here that we rent out during summer months. This weekend we are guests at our good friend's beautiful home. As much as I enjoy this haven, summer weekends, especially holiday weekends can be a bit overwhelming. Literally thousands of people flock to the beach, then the dance club, then to a house party, then back to the club again. I think there is some sleep in there, but I haven't quite figured out when.
The main grocery store in town is called DeMond's Super Val-U. Why they couldn't have just added the E on the end is beyond me. Anyway, it's a typical small town grocers. Adequate produce, less than fresh meat but well stocked in my expertise-libations, ice and non-food items. It's also a great place to people watch, especially the employees. I've gotten to know them as we are out here pretty much two weekends every month from September to May. "Good Morning Jeff-I see you are out of scotch again" I expect to hear every time I go in.
One cashier in particular has this "charming" wit about her. No matter when I go, 8 in the morning or 8 at night, she's there. She always works the same register, number three and has this desire to entertain me. What I mean by this is that she picks up each of my items and creates a story about how they go together. For instance, "Oh, I see you have toothpaste and a Snickers today. You must have just had a bad dental checkup. Seriously, what kind of witty retort am I supposed to come up with? "Yes, that's it, my hygienist has finally convinced me at the age of 46 to brush my teeth".
The first few times I've had the pleasure of being the plot in her weird stories, Anthony tried to convince me that she is just quirky and bored. "Leave her alone, she's just trying to be funny". I'm not known for my patience and for some reason this quirk of her's makes me want to slap her. This isn't once in a while, IT'S EVERY SINGLE TIME! I've spied to see if she does it with other shoppers. No, they just get to pay for their groceries and go on their merry way. When it's my turn, I feel my heart start to race, I wonder what twisted play about me and my sundries she's going to write today.
One time I was with a friend of mine. At the time we both had long hair and looked kind of cool. "You two must be in a rock band", she chimes in as we were paying for our charcoal. I wanted to beat her at her own game this time. "Yes, and we are going to use the charcoal to set the stage on fire during the show" I blurt out. "You should come see us, we are playing at the What-Not Inn tonight". My friend, who hasn't had the pleasure to experience cashier number three, just looked at me like I was a psycho.
I won't even mention the time I ran out of sunscreen at the same time Anthony needed a cucumber.
I finally admitted that it's me. It's my issue that I can't handle her "cleverness". She is probably a very nice person who just has an over-active imagination. When I told Anthony I was trying to have a better attitude toward cashier number three/witty playwrite, he simply said in the only way he can "well Jeff, she and you are sort of alike". My first reaction was to grab the nearest hand grenade and throw it at him, but instead I smiled and said, "maybe you're right". Maybe I am like this girl is some ways. I use my imagination a lot, I try to be witty to customers, I can put groceries in a shopping bag.
This experience has taught me two important lessons -
One-before making rash judgements about someone, look yourself in the mirror.
And two-always use the U-Scan.
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